{"id":3042,"date":"2014-12-16T15:31:32","date_gmt":"2014-12-16T15:31:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/?p=3042"},"modified":"2014-12-16T15:31:32","modified_gmt":"2014-12-16T15:31:32","slug":"humor-holiday-gift-guide","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/2014\/12\/humor-holiday-gift-guide\/","title":{"rendered":"Humor: Holiday Gift Guide"},"content":{"rendered":"

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\"CTA\u2019s<\/a>
CTA\u2019s 2-In-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad
Photo Courtesy of LazyTechGuys.com<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The Holiday Season is approaching, and once again, it\u2019s time for the special once-a-year tradition of honoring whichever religious figures you choose to celebrate by spending exuberant sums of money at retail outlets.\u00a0 Unfortunately, in today\u2019s bland, homogenized world, gifts are often boring and dull.\u00a0 However, for those brave shoppers who are looking to expand their gifting range and \u201cwow\u201d the lucky members of their gift list, I have found a special selection of gifts that the recipients are guaranteed to remember forever, even after extensive psychotherapy.\u00a0 Please note that all of these gifts are entirely real and for sale, and have been subjected to my vigorous quality assurance program, which consists of googling them to ensure that they exist.<\/p>\n

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Gift 1: iPotty<\/b><\/p>\n

Has a young child ever said to you, \u201cI need something to do with my hands while I go to the bathroom?\u201d\u00a0 If so, this is the gift for you.\u00a0 In the official description, the iPotty is described as a \u201ccomfortable and child-friendly potty (rather than, of course, the much more common adult-friendly potty) with an adjustable stand to securely hold an iPad.\u201d\u00a0 The description also notes that the iPotty comes with a \u201cclear touchscreen protector\u2026guards against little messy accidents.\u201d\u00a0 It does not address what should be done if a young child has a little messy accident all over the iPad, but I am sure it is all covered by the included warranty.\u00a0 The iPotty retails for $39.99 from CTA digital.\u00a0 The iPotty is the official bathroom appliance of the church of Scientology.<\/p>\n

Gift 2: Butt Acne Clearing Lotion<\/b><\/p>\n

This product, which I swear is real, is the perfect gift to buy if you want to send the following message to someone on your gift list: \u201cyour butt acne is really getting out of hand.\u201d\u00a0 Here are some key quotes from its description.<\/p>\n

\u201cFirst ever acne lotion formulated specifically for the buttocks.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStarts clearing up butt breakouts in just 24 hours.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cpH balanced for the sensitive skin of the butt.\u201d<\/p>\n

Butt Acne Clearing Lotion retails for $32.99 from Green Heart Labs, or on its website (www.clearbutt.com).\u00a0 It is the official cosmetic product of both Sean Hannity and Donald Trump.<\/p>\n

Gift 3: Cat Clutch<\/b><\/p>\n

This unique gift, which retails from Asos for $38, is a handbag that looks remarkably like a handbag that looks a little bit like a cat.\u00a0 If anyone on your gift list wants a bag that is covered entirely in bright pink fur, besides the two glass eyes, as well as a long tail, this is the gift for them.<\/p>\n

This is the only handbag officially recognized by both PETA and Charles Manson.<\/p>\n

Gift 4: Selfie Toaster<\/b><\/p>\n

Have you or a loved one ever asked yourself, \u201cisn\u2019t it just about time for a modern take on toast?\u201d\u00a0 If so, you can\u2019t do better than the Selfie Toaster, retailing for $69.00 from the Vermont Novelty Toaster Company.\u00a0 The way it works is, you upload a selfie to their website, then five business days later, they send you a toaster, which toasts your selfie into every piece of bread.\u00a0 It is important to remember, however, that precision-toasting is a young science, and is not yet perfect. \u00a0 In fact, in the words of the Vermont Novelty Toaster Company website \u2013 this is a direct quote \u2013 \u201cWe are good, but remember fine detail is darn near impossible to achieve with heat and toast.\u201d\u00a0 This is the official toaster of Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox, and Barack Obama.<\/p>\n

Gift 5: Handiheadset<\/b><\/p>\n

Have you ever wanted to talk on the phone using only your hand?\u00a0 Unfortunately, that technology is currently unavailable.\u00a0 Fortunately, the Handiheadset is the next best thing!\u00a0 The handiheadset is a\u2026well\u2026it is extremely hard to explain exactly what the handiheadset is.\u00a0 Pretty much, it is a giant plastic hand that you can plug into your phone and then talk into.\u00a0 This is supposed to give the impression that you\u2019re holding up your hand and talking into it, but really, it gives the impression that you\u2019re holding up the severed hand of a giant and talking into it, since the handiheadset is about the size of a small boulder.\u00a0 If anyone on your list is looking for a way out of an awkward relationship, just give them the Handiheadset, and they\u2019ll be thanking you for years.\u00a0 The handiheadset is currently in the conceptual stage, but can be acquired through a kickstarter pledge.\u00a0 It is also the official cellular accessory of Andre the Giant, The Incredible Hulk, and Kim Jong Un.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

  The Holiday Season is approaching, and once again, it\u2019s time for the special once-a-year tradition of honoring whichever religious figures you choose to celebrate by spending exuberant sums of money at retail outlets.\u00a0 Unfortunately, in today\u2019s bland, homogenized world, gifts are often boring and dull.\u00a0 However, for those brave shoppers who are looking to expand their gifting range and \u201cwow\u201d the lucky members of their gift list, I have found a special selection of<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":110,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[58],"tags":[],"coauthors":[133],"class_list":["post-3042","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-slider"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3042","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/110"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3042"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3042\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3044,"href":"https:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3042\/revisions\/3044"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3042"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3042"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3042"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fieldstonnews.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=3042"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}