With apologies to Pink Floyd, it is time to rewrite their famous song and change the words to “Parents! Leave us kids alone!” As young adults coming of age, it is so important to stand up for ourselves. Learning self-advocacy fosters independence, improves communication, and ultimately improves well-being. Research shows those who effectively know how to self-advocate do better in school and life. That is not to say that we don’t need our family or our teachers. We all need the love, support and respect of others. But learning how to advocate for ourselves is a skill that will make us happier and more fulfilled.
You might be thinking, how does this apply to me? Let me paint some scenarios for you. Trouble in school? Does your mom call the teacher? Not enough playing time? Who talks to the coach? Need a summer job? Who sets it up? Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? While a parent’s first instinct is to protect their child and fix any problem, is that really the best approach? Granted, there are times we all need help, and adults need to support and guide us. However, it is equally important to learn how to make positive choices and the best decisions for ourselves.
What is self-advocacy? Self-advocacy is the ability to respectfully yet assertively communicate your needs and have them met. It is about learning to speak up for yourself; making your own decisions; finding information to guide you; knowing your rights; listening, and reaching out to others when you need guidance. All of this makes us more resilient and builds confidence. As we learn to speak up for ourselves, we also improve our communication skills. Teens who understand how to advocate for themselves have higher self-esteem and build more social connections. Self-advocacy leads to better problem-solving and planning skills. Importantly, self-advocacy creates a sense of independence and empowerment. Learning how to speak up is a skill we will use forever.
But let’s face it, decision-making and voicing concerns or ideas can be complicated and sometimes scary. What if no one listens? What is the right way to approach the dialogue? To begin developing this skill, you have to take some risks.
Here are some ways to get your feet wet and put yourself out there. If you are trying out for a sport, ask the coach what you should do to improve. If you struggle with math, set up 1:1 time with your teacher. Your home reports are filled with comments you can use to start a dialogue with any of your teachers. Let your parents know you want to fight your battles and find the right communication tools. But you can always ask them for insight and ideas.
Another adult you can turn to is your advisor. Dr. Banks, an advisor in Form VI, spoke to me about self-advocating. “Self-advocacy is an important skill that develops overtime. When my advisory was in Form III, I did a lot of the advocating for them. But as my students got older, I pushed them to advocate for themselves. I am always there to provide support and guidance, but I want my students to try it on their own. In addition, as an advisor, I get the opportunity to meet with the teachers of my students. In those meetings I make sure I advocate for my students and explain any extenuating circumstances the teachers do not know about. While self-advocacy is critical it is also important that students feel supported.”
Below are some other tips to stretch your self-advocacy muscles:
- Volunteer or get a job: Being in a work environment pushes you to speak up for yourself or others. Working allows you to learn and grow.
- Practice: Try some conversation starters and practice with a friend or a parent.
- Tip from Sarah Cate Wolfson (VI): In times when I have advocated for myself with teachers to get an extension on a project or essay, I’ve done so by meeting with the teacher and explaining to them the circumstances as to why I need one. The typical circumstances would be because I have been bombarded with other work and haven’t been able to start yet or I’ve just been too stressed. Whenever I’ve met with a teacher they have typically been generous and gracious. You should always feel comfortable trying.
- Tip from Jordan Nemirovsky (VI): The other day, I got a test back, and I was confused with how it was graded. I didn’t understand why I got so many points off for a certain question and wanted to clarify what I did wrong so I could understand for future work. I set up a meeting with my teacher, discussed my test, and ended up not only further understanding what I did wrong, but gaining more points back because my teacher recognized there were grading mistakes. This meeting was successful because I approached my teacher seeking help, not a better grade.
What prevents us from self-advocating? Sometimes it is fear – fear of rejection, fear of failure. Sometimes it is our parents. Often parents don’t want their children to experience disappointment or discomfort. There is a lot of second-guessing and projection. Our parents worry and sometimes overreact. To keep us safe, healthy and happy many parents try to remove any obstacle in our path.
We all must learn that if we fail, it will be okay. We need to be able to make mistakes, face the consequences and then solve the issue. Ultimately, we will be stronger, calmer and more resilient when we do this on our own. So the next time you are faced with an issue or concern, gather your information, get some guidance and then, in the words of ABBA, “Take a chance (on me),” and go for it. Even if it doesn’t work out – you will know you tried, and it will boost your confidence.
This piece was written by The Fieldston News Health Columnist, Jordan Fienberg
