Photo Courtesy of LazyTechGuys.com
The Holiday Season is approaching, and once again, it’s time for the special once-a-year tradition of honoring whichever religious figures you choose to celebrate by spending exuberant sums of money at retail outlets. Unfortunately, in today’s bland, homogenized world, gifts are often boring and dull. However, for those brave shoppers who are looking to expand their gifting range and “wow” the lucky members of their gift list, I have found a special selection of gifts that the recipients are guaranteed to remember forever, even after extensive psychotherapy. Please note that all of these gifts are entirely real and for sale, and have been subjected to my vigorous quality assurance program, which consists of googling them to ensure that they exist.
Gift 1: iPotty
Has a young child ever said to you, “I need something to do with my hands while I go to the bathroom?” If so, this is the gift for you. In the official description, the iPotty is described as a “comfortable and child-friendly potty (rather than, of course, the much more common adult-friendly potty) with an adjustable stand to securely hold an iPad.” The description also notes that the iPotty comes with a “clear touchscreen protector…guards against little messy accidents.” It does not address what should be done if a young child has a little messy accident all over the iPad, but I am sure it is all covered by the included warranty. The iPotty retails for $39.99 from CTA digital. The iPotty is the official bathroom appliance of the church of Scientology.
Gift 2: Butt Acne Clearing Lotion
This product, which I swear is real, is the perfect gift to buy if you want to send the following message to someone on your gift list: “your butt acne is really getting out of hand.” Here are some key quotes from its description.
“First ever acne lotion formulated specifically for the buttocks.”
“Starts clearing up butt breakouts in just 24 hours.”
“pH balanced for the sensitive skin of the butt.”
Butt Acne Clearing Lotion retails for $32.99 from Green Heart Labs, or on its website (www.clearbutt.com). It is the official cosmetic product of both Sean Hannity and Donald Trump.
Gift 3: Cat Clutch
This unique gift, which retails from Asos for $38, is a handbag that looks remarkably like a handbag that looks a little bit like a cat. If anyone on your gift list wants a bag that is covered entirely in bright pink fur, besides the two glass eyes, as well as a long tail, this is the gift for them.
This is the only handbag officially recognized by both PETA and Charles Manson.
Gift 4: Selfie Toaster
Have you or a loved one ever asked yourself, “isn’t it just about time for a modern take on toast?” If so, you can’t do better than the Selfie Toaster, retailing for $69.00 from the Vermont Novelty Toaster Company. The way it works is, you upload a selfie to their website, then five business days later, they send you a toaster, which toasts your selfie into every piece of bread. It is important to remember, however, that precision-toasting is a young science, and is not yet perfect. In fact, in the words of the Vermont Novelty Toaster Company website – this is a direct quote – “We are good, but remember fine detail is darn near impossible to achieve with heat and toast.” This is the official toaster of Kim Kardashian, Megan Fox, and Barack Obama.
Gift 5: Handiheadset
Have you ever wanted to talk on the phone using only your hand? Unfortunately, that technology is currently unavailable. Fortunately, the Handiheadset is the next best thing! The handiheadset is a…well…it is extremely hard to explain exactly what the handiheadset is. Pretty much, it is a giant plastic hand that you can plug into your phone and then talk into. This is supposed to give the impression that you’re holding up your hand and talking into it, but really, it gives the impression that you’re holding up the severed hand of a giant and talking into it, since the handiheadset is about the size of a small boulder. If anyone on your list is looking for a way out of an awkward relationship, just give them the Handiheadset, and they’ll be thanking you for years. The handiheadset is currently in the conceptual stage, but can be acquired through a kickstarter pledge. It is also the official cellular accessory of Andre the Giant, The Incredible Hulk, and Kim Jong Un.
