Against all odds, we have reached the end of another school year. 2013-2014 was an interesting year, to be certain, but why? If I had to pick one phrase to describe how I myself have changed this year, I would say “much more tired.” However, if I had to choose another phrase with a positive tone to it, I would say “school’s almost over.” However, if I had to choose another phrase that was actually complementary towards Fieldston, that perfectly summed up the school year, it would be: “They let me host a Mets ALP.” Without further ado, I will begin my review of the year.
SEPTEMBER
School begins with a flourish, as students fill the building once again to find three major changes:
1) The field has been replaced by a new field, which was absolutely necessary because the old field had been completely ruined by baseballs bouncing up from the lower field, which is patchier than Donald Sterling’s hair. Not that I am bitter.
2) School email accounts and passwords, which change more often than the Dow-Jones industrial average, have (suprise!) changed again. They allow students to “interact with their teachers on a whole new level.” I am not certain as to what exactly this new level is, but I am sure it is revolutionary.
3) Hot breakfast is no longer free, due to the fact that Fieldston has been taken over by communists.
September sees a number of great games in Football, Field Hockey, Volleyball, Soccer, (correct me if I have the wrong season here) Squash, Cross Country, and anything else that I have missed. Unfortunately, because the total attendance at all of these games was estimated to be between 7 and 9, no one knows how they went.
OCTOBER
This is the month of the homecoming, which I will not mention any further here except to say that based on what I have heard, I am amazed that the people in charge of the space did not take any extreme action, such as calling in Federal troops. I did not witness homecoming personally for two reasons: 1) a desire to be able to report accurately, fairly, and without emotional interference, and 2) a desire to be able to return to school without having to enter the witness protection program.
In world news, delegates from 140 countries sign the Minamata treaty, which has extremely important global ramifications, which would require research to discuss intelligently. They will not be mentioned here. Saudi Arabia also makes history by becoming the first country to reject a seat on the United Nations Security Council. The seat is instead taken by a country called “Jordan,” causing France to surrender.
NOVEMBER
The MAD is held this month, and it is a total (offensive phrase redacted by editors) success. During the MAD, the planning committee also presents a historic document to the rest of the student body, which outlines its long-term goals for the school and laid out its philosophy: The Minamata Treaty.
The winter sports season also starts during this month, which means that the eagerly anticipated Hockey game versus Poly Prep is still nowhere close since winter sports season lasts approximately as long as a major land war. However, the winter teams began training hard, eager to deliver the fans a reward for their loyalty, by which I mean “not loyalty,” since winter sports, like fall sports, generally report attendances between four and six fans.
Overall, though, not much happens this month, which is why everyone is especially excited for December.
DECEMBER
In global news, fighting breaks out in Sudan, but it is quickly ended by a historic peace accord known informally as “The Minamata Treaty.” On December 3rd, Billy Joel announces a permanent residency at Madison Square Garden, which is, as confirmed by scientists, the greatest event in the history of the world.
The winter sports season continues, as a thrilling hockey game against Poly Prep, for which the Hockey team had to travel all the way out to Coney Island, is seen by approximately as many fans as Bismarck, North Dakota has residents (estimated to be between nine and eleven).
The ACT is administered, and, in what an official spokesperson describes as “an absolute miracle,” less than 15% of the test-takers collapse from stress, with only 8.6% suffering prolonged mental damage, the lowest figure since 1993! In other test-taking news, yet another study is released which shows that America’s academic prowess is slipping compared to Europe and Asia – this particular study determines that American high school students score lower, on average, than Asian babies ranging from 6 months to two years old. This causes a slight panic, but it is gone by January.
JANUARY
At Fieldston, opinions differ as the College Board announces that it will redesign the SAT based on the tested educational principle. According to SAT spokesman Prongle Demmiconk, “we’re losing money, and we’re changing the test to make money.” Most feel sorry for the class of 2017, because the first administration of the new test will undoubtedly be chaotic. While some of the student body agrees that the first administration of the new test will be chaotic, most don’t have time to feel sorry for the class of 2017, because they themselves are busy doing things like writing 25 page papers on the history of toothpaste.
In international news, Latvia adopts the Euro. This affects literally hundreds of people worldwide.
FEBRUARY
As February begins, anticipation abounds surrounding the winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. Millions of people worldwide gather to watch events with names like “72 meter two-by-four heavyweight jump-rope, class two, subsection six, group eight, lines 24-33.” Bob Costas’ eyes become the color of a weasel’s intestinal tract, which puts France on red alert.
Major League Baseball spring training begins. Approximately six people notice. In an attempt to increase viewership, MLB officials announce possible plans to make games more exciting, including shortening games to seven innings, limiting the amount of time between pitches, and changing the name of the sport to “Football.”
In Fieldston news, after an onslaught of offensive postings on Facebook, school administrators take drastic action to reduce negativity. Under the eyes of several teachers, as well as, judging by the level of crowd noise, several thousand members of the Federal noise police, Poly Prep wins in a shootout. This is not received well at Fieldston.
MARCH
This month features, most importantly, spring break. It is also retroactively designated “Black History Month,” since February was cancelled due to bad weather.
In global news, Vladimir Putin annexes Crimea, a fictional country, along with Ukraine, Poland, and most of Alabama. This maneuver is met with wild acclaim in the United States, and politicians in Washington urge Putin to “take Florida as well.” The United Nations suspends Russia from several councils, summits, and affinity groups. In an attempt to repair the diplomatic damage, Barack Obama proposes the Minamata Treaty.
In continental news, mayor Rob Ford of Toronto announces, through a spokesperson, that if reelected, his highest priorities would be reforming the city tax system, modernizing the gravy train, and “Getting Jimmy his money before he whacks me.”
APRIL
The month begins on an interesting note, as it is noticed by multiple sports reporters that Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman has developed an annoying habit of justifying every action he takes, including flushing the toilet, by saying “it’s what the boss would have wanted.” Cashman then proceeds to fire and rehire himself twice, noting again that the boss would have been thrilled.
The ACT is administered again, and for the first time, in what ACT spokesperson Earl Twinkooble calls “nothing short of a miracle,” the number of test-related fatalities reported across the nation dips below 14,000, which is the acceptable limit, according to the Minamata Treaty.
Donald Sterling, owner of the Los Angeles Clippers of the National Basketball Association, is recorded making extremely racist and demeaning comments by his girlfriend. Sterling is banned from NBA games for life; at a press conference, he states: “Fine, you (bad words). I’ve got a (bad word) mansion. And if you (bad word) try to take that away from me, I’ll (bad word) you in the (bad word) with my (comical new bad word).”
MAY
At Fieldston, the annual fashion show is disrupted when several audience members, disturbed by a dress made of human skin and teeth, call in NATO troops. As the troops burst in, Dr. Fernandez, in an attempt to correct the misunderstanding, addresses the troops with three short words: “Only at Fieldston.”
At Fieldston, as graduation nears, the outgoing seniors get excited about college, and going off on their own into the great adventure that is the real world. The incoming seniors, on the other hand, get excited about things like getting a robust 3 hours and 22 minutes of sleep per night.
As we roll into June, Fieldston has survived yet another year, and has grown stronger, more united, and above all, more tired. And, as we move gloriously into summer, another school year behind us, one thought comes to my mind: “This column is way too long – I’ve got to cut out the part about gender, consent, and power.”
