The Fieldston student is a talented, market-savvy individual who is not content with wasting his or her talents at a useless job when there is a wide range of business to be done. Fieldston students with the right guidance can do anything this summer – from fetching coffee for executives at Morgan Stanley, to fetching coffee for executives at a completely different company.
However, I shouldn’t have to tell you that jobs like this are highly coveted. Employers these days ask (even from summer applicants) for a full résumé and recommendation. When you apply for one of these jobs, you will be fighting tooth and nail against thousands of other applicants. So, without a full, balanced résumé, you have no chance to secure one of these “high-level, prominent, or valued” positions.
Fortunately, I’m here to help! The path to employment starts, of course, with a résumé (pronounced “résumé”). But not just any résumé! No, your résumé must stand out from the competition! We will start, therefore, with:
Q: What is a résumé?
A: A résumé is a list of your qualifications, which you will submit to any potential employers. These qualifications need not be true.
Q: How do I prepare a résumé?
A: To prepare a résumé, simply include all of the following:
Basic Information: This should include basic facts about yourself – common inclusions are name, date of birth, favorite rock band, and food preference.
Job Goals: On your résumé, you should write something like: “Utilize a change in my business environment to allow my talents to expand and generate revenue for the company to the best of my abilities, utilizing and improving the computing capabilities of company-wide software and hardware tools to streamline the modernization of the industry on a global scale and build a bridge to the future.”
Qualifications: This should be a rapid-fire, nonstop list of made up things. It should sound like an advertisement:
“Deals made. Sales closed. Products produced. Profits increased. (Your name here), the profit maker. Now available for hire. Only $49.95 plus separate processing and handling.”
This is all you need to be a sure bet for any job you want, unless, of course, the employers ask that you include a summary of your education. This, in many ways, is the easiest part of the résumé, since you’ve been learning it since you were two years old. Here I am referring to the alphabet – simply string together some random letters and Latin phrases to create an educational summary that will put you above the pack:
“Received TSJ cum stultitia in Economic Financials of Business from Harvard University, along with QMD manducat stercus caprinum in Poetry of Business and Finance from M.I.T.”
Once you’ve completed your résumé, seal it in a standard business envelope, and address it as follows:
CEO
Morgan Stanley
29th floor, Office 110
Hire me or I leak the pictures of you and that Orangutan
There! You’ve built a résumé! Now, without further ado, sit back down and wait. Soon enough those job offers will start pouring in, along with, if you happen to be unlucky, an arrest warrant.
