A Fieldston Political Campaign
With the FSG presidential elections approaching, I thought that someone should provide loyal readers of the Fieldston News with accurate, fair, and unbiased commentary on the election process. However, no one wanted to, so I wrote this instead.
THE HISTORY OF FSG
FSG was founded in or around 1485, in a nation of extremely stupid voters, such as North Korea. Historians have deduced this based on some of the promises made in early records of candidate speeches, which the voters apparently believed. Fortunately for us these candidates all spoke English:
Candidate: “If I am elected, thou canst mark my words that thou wilst haveth a discount of five-and-twenty farthings at the homestead of Burger-and-Yo.”
*Audience elects this candidate by an enormous margin, despite the fact that the six previous presidents promised the same thing and it is still not done*
In 1878, FSG was relocated to the Workingman’s School, a free school that pledged to educate the children of lower-class workers who could not afford a quality education otherwise. This was followed by the Crisis of 1895, which occurred when Felix Adler accidentally blew his nose on the school’s mission statement. This resulted in the school changing its name to “Ethical Culture Fieldston,” which forced it to stop catering to the working class and start charging $100 a year (roughly $40,000,000,000,000,000 in 2014 USD). This change brought a plethora of political awareness to the school, and soon the candidates had stopped making false promises and started focusing on the real issues.
Ha ha! I am kidding, of course. Today’s candidates focus no more on the issues than Justin Bieber focuses on staying out of trouble with the law. Today, you are more likely, scientifically speaking, to light a fire using only magic than you are to find a shred of fact in an FSG speech.
FSG TODAY
Today, FSG is one of the most important elements of Fieldston, and the student Presidents are only outranked, speaking in terms of power, by the principal, the teachers, the facilities staff, FLIK, the middle school student council, and the committee to plan the MAD on Gender, Consent, and Power. In fact, in the past, presidents have been able to push through revolutionary legislation, including, most recently, the student food act of 2013, which had three major effects:
1. It modified the concept of “meatless Monday,” changing the day from something that everyone hated to something that almost everyone still doesn’t like.
2. It provided snack bins in the offices of every dean, and allowed grade reps to continue refilling the snack bins until they lost enthusiasm after a few days.
3. It allowed the school to purchase two toasters for the cafeteria thereby ensuring that whenever a student needed to toast a bagel or bread,they would not be able to, since neither toaster would be working.
FSG ELECTIONS
Everyone – including the people who are not, in the strictest sense, awake during them – loves the FSG elections. This is true for two main reasons.
1. They provide an avenue of communication between presidential candidates and voters, allowing the student body to gain an understanding of the complex political options available to them, as well as possible repercussions of their different voting options.
2. Sometimes they throw candy into the crowd.
FSG elections also feature speeches from the candidates, which usually revolve around four main issues:
1. Promises that are impossible to keep, such as a printer in every room.
2. Promises that are too absurd to even consider, such as restructuring Fieldston to resemble Hogwarts.
3. Promises that are so ridiculous any voter who takes them seriously must have the brains of fish, such as something called a “J-term.”
4. Yo-burger.
When you look closely, these issues, while appearing completely separate, all have one thing in common: THEY HAVE NUMBERS BEFORE THEM. Also, you will notice that none of them has ever been changed by an FSG president, despite the fact that various FSG presidents have been promising change in all of these issues since April 12th, 1190 B.C.
Fieldston students, this is my plea for change. Why must we hear the same hollow promises year after year? Will we once again give in to superficiality and shallow observations in making our vote? Will we go through yet another year of ineffective policy, bureaucratic bumbling, and administrative failure? Will we waste yet another valuable year with presidents who cannot tell success from failure? I say we will not!
Wait, scratch that. We will.
