I’m really struggling with the meaning of life. Any thoughtful words?
Whenever I’m feeling down, I like to think the meaning of life is something simple, like sleeping or eating. Then, whenever I worry that I haven’t accomplished enough, or haven’t fulfilled my purpose in life, I can think “Wow, I actually slept a lot today. I care so much about life that I slept through most of my classes. Neato.” Thinking like this encourages me to pursue the real goals in life: hedonism and sloth.
I think my social circle is turning against me. What should I do?
Obviously, there is some type of subversive element within the group. I suggest having your closest advisors publicly executed as a warning to others, but you should also shut down the press for good measure. If you still feel like your friends are turning against you, there is always the option to flee the school, with your riches safely secured in off-campus bank accounts. You should have plenty of money to hire new friends.
Obviously, there is some type of subversive element within the group. I suggest having your closest advisors publicly executed as a warning to others, but you should also shut down the press for good measure. If you still feel like your friends are turning against you, there is always the option to flee the school, with your riches safely secured in off-campus bank accounts. You should have plenty of money to hire new friends.
I’m trying to think of a cute way to ask my boyfriend to prom. Any ideas?
The stage is set: Your boyfriend is at his great grandmother’s funeral. Cause of death? Mauled in zoo animal fight pit. It’s a closed casket affair, and your boyfriend looks close to tears. As he approaches the coffin to give a last farewell to Gamgam, you burst forth from the wooden confines, flowers in hand. Dressed as his dearly departed Gamgam, you lean in close, breath on his face a bit, then whisper “…prom?” The room bursts into applause as he exuberantly accepts your promposal. The best part? Gamgam comes out with cake and balloons from the back room.
The stage is set: Your boyfriend is at his great grandmother’s funeral. Cause of death? Mauled in zoo animal fight pit. It’s a closed casket affair, and your boyfriend looks close to tears. As he approaches the coffin to give a last farewell to Gamgam, you burst forth from the wooden confines, flowers in hand. Dressed as his dearly departed Gamgam, you lean in close, breath on his face a bit, then whisper “…prom?” The room bursts into applause as he exuberantly accepts your promposal. The best part? Gamgam comes out with cake and balloons from the back room.
I’m the only one of my friends who is still single. Advice please!
Clearly, you’re thinking in the wrong way. What you need to do to fix this problem is — rather than getting yourself a date — depriving your friends of theirs! A good place to start is immediately planting fake notes and clothing items in your friends’ bags. Little Billy will certainly not be happy when he finds someone else’s sock in his girlfriend’s bag, as well as a romantic letter from Mr. Taussig! Your next step is to go for complete all-out war, providing your friends with blunt objects and suggesting “preemptive strikes” on their traitorous girlfriends and boyfriends. In the aftermath of this earth shaking battle, you should now not be the only one of your friends single, but you may be the only one not in jail!
Clearly, you’re thinking in the wrong way. What you need to do to fix this problem is — rather than getting yourself a date — depriving your friends of theirs! A good place to start is immediately planting fake notes and clothing items in your friends’ bags. Little Billy will certainly not be happy when he finds someone else’s sock in his girlfriend’s bag, as well as a romantic letter from Mr. Taussig! Your next step is to go for complete all-out war, providing your friends with blunt objects and suggesting “preemptive strikes” on their traitorous girlfriends and boyfriends. In the aftermath of this earth shaking battle, you should now not be the only one of your friends single, but you may be the only one not in jail!
